You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
