3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
