my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
