Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I wannas sexs uuuuu
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
