Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
