i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
