Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This baby is an asshole
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
