Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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