I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize