I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
