went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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