I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
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I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize