I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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