I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
