she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
