Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
