I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
