if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
