good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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