Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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