Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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