I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
