and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
