You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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