i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
