shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
