Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
