I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
