Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
