My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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