I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
