I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
