i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
