Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Randomize
