theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
