so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
