Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I deserve this hangover.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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