At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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