So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
