onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
