oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
