my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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