his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
