i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
