meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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