He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
