I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
