White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
