Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
