In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
