Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I color on your dick again?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
