My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
