I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
