Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
