My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
