I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
