You're so nebulous sometimes
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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