Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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