I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
