Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wear drunk well.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
